Night Train Murders

AKA L’ultimo Treno Della Notte / Last Stop On The Night Train / The New House On The Left / Second House On The Left / Don’t Ride On Late Night Trains / Late Night Trains / Last House Part II / Xmas Massacre / Xmas Murders

Director: Aldo Lado

This week’s film comes courtesy of writer / director Aldo Lado, who also brought us celebrated giallo films “Who Saw Her Die” and “Short Night Of Glass Dolls” as well as writing Maurizio Lucidi’s “The Designated Victim”.

If there were ever an award for the film with the biggest array of alternative titles then surely “Night Train Murders” would be on the shortlist, even though a lot of them do not describe the film accurately at all!

Released in 1972, “Night Train Murders” (not to be confused with the 1984 Morecambe and Wise TV movie “Night Train To Murder” which kept popping up as I was researching this film) was yet another film that was banned as part of the video nasty scandal, but was eventually released uncut in the UK in 2008.

If you couldn’t tell from the alternative titles, it borrows heavily from Wes Craven’s “The Last House On The Left”. In fact, if I were being cynical, which I am, you could simply describe it as “The Last House On The Left” on a train but without the magnetic presence of David A. Hess.

But “Si!” I hear you cry, “this film is set at Christmas so why are you reviewing it now?”. In the words of Eric Cartman – “whateva, I’ll do what I want!”. This is a Christmas film as much as “Jaws The Revenge” is. It’s set at Christmas time but it really doesn’t make any difference to the story (but I will add that “Jaws The Revenge” is essential Christmas viewing in my household).

The film opens with five minutes of some of the worst music I have ever heard, over the top of people Christmas shopping. Not a strong start to the film, but things pick up slightly when we see two yobs mugging Father Christmas as he has a secret glug from his hip flask in between entertaining families, but then we go back to more shopping so it’s pretty short lived. We also see a woman buying a bag and the camera lingers on this for quite a while which seems odd and it is only until later on in the film do we see that the woman and the bag have significance. We are then introduced to Margaret (played by Irene Miracle) and Lisa (played by Laura D’Angelo). Margaret and Lisa are best friends and are getting ready to travel from Germany to Italy (by train… obviously) to spend Christmas with Lisa’s family.

As the pair pack their belongings ready for the journey, we see that Lisa has bought a rather hideous tie for her father, so hideous that in the next scene, Margaret’s mother has called Lisa’s mother, Laura (played by Marina Berti), in Italy to warn her! “I hope he doesn’t wear it to the hospital otherwise they’ll have him committed as insane!” Laura quips without even seeing the tie. What a bitch.

In the next scene we meet Lisa’s father, Dr. Giulio (played by Enrico Maria Salerno, who you may recognise from Dario Argento’s classic giallo, “The Bird With The Crystal Plumage”). Giulio is a surgeon and after some relatively real looking operation footage, the Dr. is about to leave the hospital only to be called back in after another emergency is brought in.

Back in Germany, Lisa and Margaret are at the train station ready to board the first of two trains as part of their journey to Italy. We also see the two hoodlums who mugged Father Christmas are hanging around and jump on the same train (although without buying a ticket). I suppose at this stage I should actually tell you who these two are, not that they have any character traits apart from one is slightly more sexually deviant than the other and one likes to play the harmonica and take drugs. The charmless twosome are called Blackie (played by Flavio Bucci, probably best known as playing the blind man in Dario Argento’s “Suspiria”) and Curly (played by Gianfranco De Grassi).

As the train departs, we see Lisa and Margaret trying to find some seats but have to make do with loitering outside the toilet instead. We then cut to one of the carriages where we are introduced (or re-introduced) to the woman who we saw earlier buying the red bag. This character is only credited as “The Lady On The Train” despite being one of the main players in the film which is odd, especially seeing as the writer seems happy dishing out names likes “Blackie” and “Curly” to other characters, so surely at least she could have been called “Blondie”?

In fact, for the purposes of this review, I shall refer to her as “Blondie”, it’s easier that way. Blondie (played by Macha Méril, best known for her role as Helga in Dario Argento’s “Deep Red”) is sat next to an assorted array of characters, including someone who appears to be playing Winston Churchill…

Not impressed by Winston’s constant cigar puffing, Blondie reaches for her bag only for the contents to spill on the floor as the train makes a bend. In amongst her belongings is some pornographic playing cards which everyone in the carriage gets a good look at, much to Blondie’s annoyance. Churchill isn’t the only odd character aboard the train though, as we see when Blackie and Curly begin wandering around. In one carriage we find a group of religious folk, including a bishop with a rather unfortunate nervous tick that makes him look like he is winking suggestively at the younger boys, and a carriage full of Nazis, which is awkward… especially as Blackie gets them to hail Hitler before running off.

We then get a lot of filler scenes (ok, more so than before) including Margaret and Lisa talking about boys, Giulio and Laura in a shop looking at bikes and then the dreaded ticket man making his way through the carriages. It’s at this point that Blackie and Curly first meet Margaret and Lisa. The boys hide in the toilet (with Margaret for some reason) to avoid being asked for a ticket, and Blackie awkwardly pretends the movement of the train forces him into the young girl, much to Margaret’s disapproval.

Back in Blondie’s carriage, we see that she has managed to spark up a conversation with a gentleman when she becomes distracted by Blackie eyeing her up through the doors. When she then gets up and leaves the carriage, Blackie follows Blondie to the toilet and forces his way into the cubicle with her. What is this guys obsession with being shut in the toilet with women?

Blackie then begins sexually assaulting her but what’s this? Blondie enjoys it?! Yes, it’s another one of those situations where the victim begins to take pleasure in the assault and clearly the BBFC did not take issue to this scene, which I do find odd, especially given that “Shameless Entertainment” had to appeal for a similar scene to be left uncut in “The House On The Edge Of The Park”, despite the scene in that film being far less problematic than this one. If you want to hear more about that then check out my review of “The House On The Edge Of The Park” and “Venus In Furs”, as that film also has a similar scene but in that case the BBFC did enforce the cuts.

After that unpleasantness is over we are treated to more events to fill out the runtime; Curly gets into a fight with a passenger, the train stops in Austria and the police board it as they suspect there is a bomb on board, Giulio and Laura have a dinner party and the girls find another train which they jump on to continue the rest of their journey. If only the film stayed on board the other train, finding out if there is a bomb on board would have been far more entertaining compared to what’s to come.

For some reason, the train the girls have boarded is significantly older and more shabby than the previous train, plus it doesn’t seem to have any light so the girls have to eat their dinner by candlelight… pretty lucky they packed that candle then! Unfortunately it is not long before Blondie, Blackie and Curly find the pair in the carriage and join them and things get weird almost immediately. Blondie and Blackie start helping themselves to the food before they start getting a bit frisky with each other whilst Curly slinks off to the toilet to inject himself.

This next chunk of the film is pretty nasty and I don’t want to go into great detail about what happens, mainly because I don’t think it would make for particularly enjoyable reading but also because it is easily summarised. If you want to find out the finer details of what happens then go watch the film but I warn you, it doesn’t have any of the tension or power play that other films of its type has and it’s just boringly grizzly.

Margaret and Lisa are both beaten and sexually assaulted in various ways by Blackie and Curly and also by another passenger that is drawn in after walking through the carriage and stopping to watch the abuse. Lisa ends up being killed after a rather disturbing incident with a knife and Margaret manages to escape and throws herself off the train to her death. In a feeble attempt to hide any evidence of their Christmas Eve exploits, Blackie, Curly and Blondie also throw Lisa’s dead body from the train along with most of the girl’s belongings, except for the blue tie that Lisa had bought for her father, which Curly decides to wear. We also get some shots of the dinner party in Italy and the guests talking about violence and young people which all feels very forced. The only positive thing I will say about this section of the film is there is some nice giallo-esque lighting but that’s it really.

Before the trio depart the train as it stops in Italy, Blackie kicks Blondie’s knee and threatens that he should kill her now as all of this was her fault. Blondie explains it was just an accident and gives Blackie a handful of money which seems to calm him down. The kick however has caused quite a nasty cut on Blondie’s knee, which is surprising seeing as in the shot just after the kick there is nothing there and then suddenly it’s pouring with blood.

At the train station, Giulio and Laura are waiting for the girls to exit the train but are, of course, nowhere to be seen. An employee at the station recognises the Dr. and asks him to take a look at Blondie’s bloody knee. Unbelievably the wound is bad enough that Blondie is required to go to hospital but Blondie seems less than keen to spend Christmas Day waiting in A&E (as opposed to spending it in the waiting room at the train station with Blackie and Curley as they smoke and play the harmonica which she was doing already). She manages to persuade Giulio to take them back to his house for treatment whilst the staff at the station try and find out where Margaret and Lisa have got to.

At the house, the Dr. treats Blondie’s wound and then the trio enjoy a Christmas Day spread that Laura has prepared. At this point Laura notices the garish tie that Curly is wearing, just as on the radio there are reports that a body of a young girl has been found by the train track. Giulio turns the radio off, claiming it’s too depressing, which is exactly what I wanted to do with this film. Then we cut back to the train station where we see the voyeur rapist passenger call the police stating that he knows who the murderers are and describes a well dressed blonde woman in her 30’s travelling with two thugs. Just because you weren’t there when the girls died doesn’t give you the moral high ground, you still raped one of them and you could have stopped them ultimately dying, by not just standing and watching the abuse, let alone joining in!

After Blondie has gone for a lie down, claiming she felt dizzy after hearing the news report, Laura mentions to Giulio about the tie Curly is wearing and how similar it is to the one that Margaret’s mother warned her that Lisa had bought. Giulio doesn’t seem too concerned stating that lots of people probably bought them. Giulio decides to drive the trio into town but whilst waiting for them in the car he hears on the radio a further news flash detailing a second body has been found and a passport belonging to Margaret.

As he begins to break down emotionally, Blondie walks towards the car and upon seeing her, Giulio gets out and grabs her accusing her of the murders. Obviously we know that they are responsible for the deaths but at this stage, apart from the tie, what evidence does Giulio have? The news flash didn’t mention anything about what the suspects looked like. Blondie of course denies her involvement and blames the “crazy drug addicts” Blackie and Curly.

With all of the evidence now pointing to the two men in the house, Giulio makes his way back in to confront them starting with Curly who he finds helping himself to the Dr’s medicine stash. Curly is repeatedly stabbed by the Dr. using a drip stand before Giulio takes a gun from a rack and pursues Blackie out into the nearby woods. A lengthy chase ensues where Blackie is shot multiple times before Giulio finishes him off with one final shot despite the cries of Laura telling him not to. With the men dead and police sirens getting closer, Giulio looks towards Blondie and the film ends. Merry Christmas everyone.

Oh boy was this disappointing! As the old saying goes, “never judge a book by its cover”, and the same is certainly true of films. I thought the poster for this looked great but the film failed to live up to it. First off, the title… “Night Train Murders”, yes there is a night train and someone does die on the train, but only one! There is no plural needed! Secondly, the tag line… “the windows look out on hell… a view that will take your breath away… permanently”, this coupled with the image of group of faceless ghost monks clawing at the window, makes it look like more of a supernatural threat, something or some people trying to enter the real world, the real world on the train. NOPE! We just get a couple of douchers and a sadistic woman doing horrible things to innocent young women on a train. The window does not look out on hell, it actually looks out onto some rather beautiful European landscapes (although I suppose that would be classed as hell to some people). If there weren’t going to be any faceless ghost monks then I had hoped I would at least get a decent “murderer on a train” film. The third act, where most of the murdering actually happens, doesn’t even take place on a train! I would have gone with the title “Rapes On A Train” instead.

“Night Train Murders” is an extremely problematic film and I’m not just talking about the false promises of the title. There’s no denying that it’s well made from a technical stand point but the story lacks all the depth a film like “The House On The Edge Of Park” has. Whilst that film had its far share of morally questionable characters performing morally questionable acts, at least they had motives that were clear to the audience and the commentary on class was prevalent throughout.

In “Night Train Murders”, the main antagonists rape and butcher for seemingly no reason. Blackie and Curly go from (in the grand scheme of things) minor misdemeanours to physical and sexual violence without any change to their character arcs and Macha Meril’s character enjoys watching rape because… she owns porn playing cards and has sex with strangers in toilets? Those things are worlds apart morally.

I am a huge fan of “The House On The Edge Of The Park” so it’s not that a film about rape and revenge is a problem for me but this film is designed to build up to the audience enjoying the antagonists being beaten to a pulp and murdered at the end which I have some issue with. Don’t get me wrong, I hate Blackie and Curly but the “eye for an eye” story arc doesn’t work. When they are killed at the end I feel nothing, no joy that “justice” has been served, I just feel indifferent, which I’m sure wasn’t the filmmakers intentions.

At the end of “The House On The Edge Of The Park”, despite the rape and murder at the beginning of the film has been “avenged” by killing Alex, there is a feeling that it hasn’t made a blind bit of difference. In fact, my sympathy goes to Ricky, the only surviving “antagonist”, because it was clear he was acting due to being trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship with Alex and at least Ricky appeared to have some form of redemption at the end. The power of the portrayal of Ricky in “The House On The Edge Of The Park” is largely down to the incredible talent of Giovanni Lombardo Radice, and the acting in “Night Train Murders” is nowhere near on the same level. That’s not to say there aren’t good actors involved, because there are, it’s just they aren’t given anything interesting to say or do. This is only exasperated by some questionable dubbing.

The score by the mighty Ennio Morricone is sadly quite forgettable. What isn’t forgettable is the main song, “A Flower’s All You Need” by Demis Roussos. A flower isn’t all you need Demis, a talent to sing and a good tune is what you need. The song is bloody awful and is like having cheese graters rubbed against your ears… whilst underwater.

I can’t really recommend “Night Train Murders”, it’s a depressing and soulless film and is only able to tell its story through shock value rather than intelligence. It’s such a shame because given the talent in front of and behind the camera, these people could have made a much better film. Speaking of which, I’m off to watch “Jaws The Revenge”.