The Beast In Space

AKA La Bestia Nello Spazio

Director: Alfonso Brescia

A few months ago I reviewed a film called “Satan’s Baby Doll”, which was an Italian erotic horror flick about a dead adulterous woman murdering the people that wronged her so she could be with her lesbian lover. I really enjoyed the film and I really enjoyed writing the review for it, not because it got me off or anything, but because it was reasonably well made, quite funny at points, and had far more artistic ambition than I was expecting from a sleazy Italian porn movie. For this week’s film I thought I’d dip my willy once more in the pool of Italian exploitation sleaze and check out another film of a similar ilk… this time, IN SPACE!

“The Beast In Space” was released in 1980 from director Alfonso Brescia, starring Finnish actress Sirpa Lane, who had made a bit of a niche for this kind of thing (having also appeared in Joe D’Amato’s “Papaya: Love Goddess Of The Cannibals” and Mario Caiano’s “Nazi Love Camp 27”). The film also features “Satan’s Baby Doll” star: Marina Hedman.

Despite being released only a few years after the likes of “Star Wars” and “Alien”, “The Beast In Space” has a more of an old fashioned depiction of science fiction and space travel. Budgetary constraints are probably the biggest reason for this but it does give it a certain charm and some unintentionally funny moments with some questionable dialogue and costumes but we’ll get to those in a bit.

So without further ado, let’s hit warp drive 69 (whatever that means) and fly our rocket between the bulbous moons of “The Beast In Space”.

The film opens with our male lead, Larry (played by Vassili Karis), entering a bar where he immediately latches eyes on a pretty young woman, Sondra (played by Sirpa Lane). You can tell she’s from the future because she’s got glittery face paint on. It’s not clear when the film is set, but the directors vision of what the future looks like seems to be more 60s psychedelic flower power than anything else, judging by the multicoloured decor of the bar.

Larry makes his way over to the busy bar to order a drink where we are treated to such dialogue as “Hurry up, one bottle of Uranus Milk!” and “How rude! Son of a Venusian bitch!”. It is here we are also introduced to Juan (played by Venantino Venantini, who you may recognise as the man who pushed Giovanni Lombardo Radice’s head into a drill in “City Of The Living Dead”). There seems to be a bit of animosity between Larry and Juan, and this is only exacerbated when Larry finally gets a drink and then finds Juan hitting on Sondra.

Juan works for the “Trade Association” which is something Larry (who we later find out is some sort of space adventurer) seems to take a dim view on. Not sure why, but there are several references to “trade men” being slightly undesirable people but it’s never really explained. The hatred seems to be enough for Larry to start a fight with Juan which ends with Juan getting knocked out and Larry also punching a few of the other patrons of the bar, although it’s not clear if they also work for the “Trade Association”. With Juan out the way, Larry sits down next to Sondra and the pair begin talking. Larry talks about an asteroid, which he describes as “a Mandrill’s ass”, where he was recently on the hunt for a rare metal called Antalium.

Larry explains that whilst on the asteroid, he became sexually frustrated along with the rest of his all male crew and they “couldn’t even be comforted by mental masturbation”… whatever that is. Quite rightly, Sondra queries why he couldn’t have just used his hand like any normal person (although she describes it as doing it “manually”) which Larry balks at. Maybe in this future sexual gratification is achieved without bodily contact… although having seen the rest of the film, I know that’s total bollocks. Sondra informs Larry that before he had knocked him out, Juan had been telling her that he had recently returned from a planet far away called Lorigon where he had found some Anatalium. As if on cue, Juan wakes up and the fighting begins over again, with much the same result as before, however, this time Juan drops a phial of Anatalium, proving that there is indeed some of this precious metal on Lorigon. Once the fighting finishes, Sondra tells Larry he should be saving his energy for love making and the two go upstairs.

We then get our first sex scene of the film. Well, it’s more of a suggestion of sex really, lots of kissing, lots of rubbing and groping but never putting themselves in a position where any penetration could actually happen. Weirdly it cuts several times to a pair of breasts being fondled that firstly, don’t look like they belong to Sirpa Lane and secondly, looks like it was shot at a different time and location as the lighting doesn’t match at all.

After Larry and Sondra have finished clashing glands, Larry falls asleep, although Sondra isn’t having much luck sleeping as she has a nightmare about being chased through a forest before being assaulted and wakes up screaming. She explains to Larry that she has the same dream almost every night but before Larry can offer any kind of comfort he has drifted back off to sleep again.

The next morning we learn that Anatalium is used to create neutron weapons. In fact, the phial belonging to Juan contained enough Anatalium to weaponise a whole army, so Larry’s superiors are very keen to travel to Lorigon and retrieve the metal before Juan and his fleet go and gather more of it. As I have said, the rivalry between Larry and Juan is never explained and despite them supposedly having different jobs (Larry is captain of a space fleet and Juan is a “trade man”) for all intensive purposes it seems they do exactly the same thing. Before Larry jets off on his mission to Lorigon he makes another trip to the bar, has another fight with Juan (where they seem to do this weird finger wagging thing at each other whilst trash talking between punches) and gets chatted up by a horny woman who has just arrived back from a long trip away with a female only crew. I wonder if she tried mental masturbation? Clearly not, as she takes Larry upstairs for some of “the hottest sexual intercourse” of his life, none of which we see. Probably for the best.

Now, granted there had been some funny moments in the film leading up to this point, but none produced a belly laugh as loud as when I saw the space outfits Larry and his crew wear. The helmets(?) especially tickled me, seeing as they would offer zero protection and seem to be made from swimming hats made of felt, with small paper plates stuck on the side for ears. The low budget had been evident in other scenes but these garments really highlight it. Still, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Larry is introduced to his newly assembled crew and we see that Sondra is also a member and will be joining Larry on his mission. The crew take their places at the controls of the miniature… I mean spaceship and they launch into space. Cue a lot of cliched sci-fi talk as they make their way toward Lorigon. Whilst I appreciate the effort gone to showing the spaceship taking off, it does look like an Airfix model with a sparkler shoved up its arse. Confusingly, when we see the crew piloting the ship, they seem to be watching footage of the spaceship in orbit – how is that helpful? And who is filming it?!

On their way to Lorigon, Larry and his crew are intercepted by another spacecraft, helmed by the mischievous Juan, who transmits a message stating he is also on his way back to Lorigon to collect more Anatalium. Juan then fires at Larry’s craft and flies off, leaving Larry and his ship spinning out of control. Once recovered from the rather unconvincing bout of dizziness, the crew begin being pulled towards Lorigon and we see a nice shot of the planet and the spaceship approaching along with the usual “approaching too fast” talk.

Fear not though as they land the ship without any issues, analyse the atmosphere of the planet, which appears to be breathable, and don some equally hilarious costumes (this time made of PVC… or leather… I can’t really tell, either way it’s wipe clean) and start to explore Lorigon. Now I’m probably reading too much into this but, why is it that whilst they are in the spacecraft they need to wear their little felt helmets, but when out investigating a far away planet, they can just walk around with no head protection on at all?! Sondra turns on her Anatalium locator (which essentially looks like a metal detector) and the group begin to follow the signal.

It’s not long before the group are approached by some kind of evil robotic presence so have to retreat back to the spaceship. “It’s him!” Sondra shouts as she freezes, transfixed by the machines red eyes. Luckily, Larry manages to get Sondra back up into the craft just in time as the robot closes in on them. The scene reminds me of a similar scene in Ridley Scott’s “Prometheus” where the characters in that film are attempting to escape a storm but it’s safe to say, I’d much rather be watching “The Beast In Space” than that rubbish. It’s at this point I noticed that Vassili Karis plays Larry with a unique character trait – Larry seems to move his head in one direction but only moves his eyes to that same direction moments later. It’s actually quite hard to do… and totally pointless. Either that, or Vassili Karis does that in real life too, but I suspect it makes driving pretty difficult.

Now back on the spaceship, Larry is discussing what to do next with the crew, and bearing in mind they have just had to run away from some sort of demon computer machine, they decide to go back outside and continue searching for the Anatalium. Surely the same thing is going to happen if they go back outside?! Well, conveniently not, as this time the crew manage to follow the signal on the Anatalium detector for quite some time without any trouble, before the crew arrive in a forest, just like the one in Sondra’s nightmare. The group remark that they are beginning to feel a bit odd, as if something is influencing their mood.

Moments later, Sondra shouts “look at that!” and the film then cuts to footage (in a different aspect ratio) of horses fucking. This “discovery” totally took me by surprise, and the fact the horse footage is in a different aspect ratio and has a totally different image quality only adds to the hilarity. Well done movie, you’ve manage to trump the felt helmets.

Now I might be missing something here because the sight of two horses fucking doesn’t really turn me on, nor do I know anyone who would find it arousing (unless they are keeping quiet about it) but this is the second film I have reviewed on here where a group of people watch horses going at it and appear to get off on it, in this case even going so far to begin rubbing themselves! I admit that it probably says more about the sort of films I watch than anything else but why was this “a thing”. This scene is at least not quite as gross as the similar scene in “Venus In Furs”, as this time the footage is of such poor quality you can’t fully see the horses jizz covered dick as he dismounts – thank god.

Once the horses have finished (or the footage runs out), the crew then carry on exploring the planet with no mention of what they just saw. It’s not long before they come across something else strange though, as they find a castle, which again Sondra claims is just like one she saw in her nightmare. The crew enter the castle but the door locks behind them, leaving the crew no choice but to explore the castle to find an exit. As they do, they begin to feel dizzy again and are eventually engulfed by a bright light (accompanied by some dream like music). Larry then wakes up wearing some kind of gown in a big hall with a banquet table in the middle surrounded by cushions. Just as Larry begins to come to, the rest of the crew enter the room, laughing and joking. The crew are also joined by Juan and another man, who we are led to believe is not only the owner of the castle but the ruler of the entire planet, Onaf (played by Robert Hundar).

After a brief stand off between Larry and Juan (thankfully no finger wagging this time), Onaf explains that the planet is controlled by the unstoppable and powerful force of Zocor, an old computer that was damaged 20 centuries prior. Despite being damaged, Onaf explains, Zocor is still able to control everything on the planet and able to move the planet around the cosmos. Zocor is able to remain almighty and powerful due to pulling energy from the planets rich supply of Anatalium. Zocor also has an army of beings called “the golden men” responsible for protecting it. After Onaf has finished explaining the strange history of Lorigon, the men and the rest of the group (who seem delighted to be half naked in their gowns) settle down for some food at the table.

As the gang tuck into their nosh, Onaf explains that Juan narrowly avoided being killed by Zocor’s “golden men” when he had previously journeyed to Lorigon in search of Anatalium. If that’s the case then why is Zocor perfectly happy for Juan to be there now? Since that time, Zocor has been increasingly paranoid about people coming to the planet to steal its precious Anatalium so has now stored 30kg of the metal inside “himself”. Oh, so the computer is male? Or maybe it identifies as male? That’ll be the next thing, electrical appliances identifying as male or female – watch this space. Surely, for once, gender fluidity would actually make sense with reference to electrical appliances because it would be down to how the user wants to identify with the machine, if they did at all. This is getting too deep – who would have thought that an 80s sci-fi B movie porn film would open such interesting debate… or maybe it’s not.

Onaf goes on to explain that Zocor has control over all things that happen on Lorigon, including having control over the minds of the people on it. This angers Larry who vows to destroy the computer. The rest of the group don’t seem so bothered, in fact they seem to be getting quite well acquainted with each other. It does beg the question though, if Zocor can control the minds of all the people on the planet, surely he would have stopped Larry from developing any kind of anger towards “himself”.

We then get a glimpse of Zocor’s infamous “golden men” who serve the group some more wine. They look like a cross between Worzel Gummidge and Randy Quad’s character from “Kingpin” but with their hair sprayed gold, they don’t look like a formidable army who protect and serve an extremely intelligent and evil computer. Also, I am colour blind so give me a little bit of slack with this, but aren’t their jackets silver?!

As the group drink more and more, they begin to become a bit frisky with each other and before you know it, some of them have paired off to have sex apart from Juan, who just seems to be sat watching and Sondra and Onaf, who end up going out into the forest. From this moment on, the film seems to enter a dream like state, as Sondra comes across members of the group now also outside having sex as she leads Onaf through the forest before finally getting down to business with him. The film lingers on the sex quite a lot, which is only fair I suppose if it is wanting to be a porn film but there’s been an awful of plot leading up to this point if that’s the case.

Things take an even more bizarre turn though as Onaf suddenly gets up from kissing and caressing Sondra and throws off his robe to reveal…

And to think I thought the film wouldn’t be able to top the horse fucking scene. Onaf is revealed to be half man, half horse. Maybe he was the horse from earlier? Or maybe he identifies as a horse and is mid op? I dunno, but the huge plastic dick is hilarious. Understandably, Sondra runs away screaming (probably more because of the volume of hair than anything else) and after a chase, we get a rather icky scene of Onaf raping Sondra. The scene goes on for a long time and is intercut with shots of the rest of the group “having sex” in positions there’s no way penetration could physically occur.

We finally break away from the sex to find Juan wandering around the forest trying to find the group. Confusingly, the film then cuts back to inside the castle where the group are slowly finishing their love making and Juan makes his way over to Larry to tell him take a pill. It seems Juan didn’t get embroiled in the orgy not because no one found him attractive, but because the pills he has been taking seem to block whatever power was put over the rest of the group, presumably by the corrupted Zocor. The pair agree that they must leave the planet, but not before destroying Zocor once and for all. Rather mean spiritedly, Larry and Juan decide to leave Sondra in the arms of Onaf as a means of distracting him whilst they and the rest of the group (now also awoken by Juan’s special pills) get ready to escape.

Larry, Juan and the rest of group sneak out of the big hall, grab their weapons and wipe clean space uniforms and make their way out into the forest. Zocor’s “golden men” are out in force but are easily dispatched by the groups laser guns, although nothing seems to come out of the end of the barrel apart from a small torch light which kind of takes some of the drama out of the battle. Things take a funny turn though as some of the army now appear to have lightsabers and begin attacking Larry, but our hero gets the upper hand pretty quickly and Vassili Karis looks like he is relishing the opportunity to pretend he is in a “Star Wars” movie.

With the “golden men” dispatched, Larry and Juan make their way to Zocor in a bid to destroy him. To get close enough to the computer to cause it any damage, the pair have to act normal as they approach it, as if they are in awe, so to trick Zocor into thinking their motives are not suspicious. “Undress, it may have gay transistors that you can distract!” Juan quips to Larry – in fairness if that was the case, it wouldn’t be the strangest thing in this movie.

Juan manages to throw an explosive into Zocor, causing the computer to go into meltdown whilst simultaneously killing Onaf and snapping Sondra out of the dream like state. As Zocor begins to disintegrate, Larry tries to get the 30kg of Anatalium from inside the computer but gets knocked back by an explosion, leaving it open for Juan to reach in, grab it and run off. When Larry gets back on his feet, he meets up with the rest of the group whilst Sondra, who is now slowly wandering around the castle, is confronted by the evil computer thing we saw earlier when the crew first landed on the planet. I guess this is a mobile version of Zocor?

Sondra begins having flashbacks to her ordeal with Onaf, as the evil robot begins sexually assaulting her. I think that’s what is going on, it’s difficult to tell. It doesn’t last long though as the big Zocor finally falls apart and Sondra suddenly appears back in her uniform and outside Larry’s spacecraft ready to jump in and take off with the rest of the crew just before the whole planet begins to explode.

Now given that they have literally seconds to spare before Lorigon begins to disintegrate, it seems an odd choice that the crew change out of their PVC outfits, and back into their felt helmets before taking off. They are Italian I guess so probably more fashion conscious than I would be in that situation. To illustrate the end of planet Lorigon, we get a shot of what looks like a papier-mâché volcano erupting and then a flash of light – no expense spared on the climax in this film!

With Larry and his crew clear of the blast, they realise that Juan probably didn’t survive when suddenly he appears on their monitors, informing them that he did in fact escape in time and with the 30kg of Anatalium, making him considerably richer than them. “Juan! You old rascal!” quips Larry – bloody hell, he’s changed his tune. Juan flies off, leaving Larry to make contact with base. “Mission accomplished” Larry states to his superiors heroically, despite the fact he didn’t complete the mission at all. Unless the mission was to get Sondra raped by a half horse, half man creature with a massive schlong that was in fact the physical manifestation of an evil computer that lives off a rare metal… but I don’t think it was. The end.

Truth be told, watching “The Beast In Space” was the most fun I’ve had in a while! The film has some laugh out loud moments and I can’t tell if they are intentional or not, which only makes it better! The cast give it their all with Vassili Karis playing the character of Larry so straight it makes me question if he knew what type of film he was making. Venantino Venantini on the other hand clearly does know what film he is in and seems to be having a lot of fun playing Juan. Sirpa Lane does play the damsel in distress well but sadly Marina Hedman fades into the background. Robert Hundar certainly doesn’t fade into the background as Onaf; the image of him throwing back his gown to reveal his massive schlong and hooves isn’t one that is going to leave me anytime soon.

The sets and costumes are basic, think of a cheaper version of first series of Red Dwarf and you’re not far off, but they serve their purpose and at times just adds to the hilarity and absurdity of the film. I actually quite enjoyed the soundtrack despite being over the top and cheesy but how could I criticise it for that seeing as the whole film is over the top and cheesy!

The orgy segment of the film drags (even in this non hardcore version) but I am glad that “Shameless” decided to go with the big dick footage when “The Beast” is revealed because it’s utterly hilarious. Sure the proceeding sexual assault is not and that is the one misstep of the film. Rape seems to used a lot in Italian cinema as a way of showing how evil a character is or to put the female leads in jeopardy which feels pretty lazy and unfortunately “The Beast In Space” falls foul of this too. I don’t think the film would have lost any of its impact if “The Beast” had simply chased Sondra around the forest with his wang swinging about from side to side. The shots of the fake member supposedly penetrating Sondra are also too much. What makes it slightly more awkward is finding out that Sirpa Lane passed away at the incredibly young age of 47 due to HIV/AIDS.

If you are looking for a film to get sexual kicks then you are looking in the wrong place but if you want a campy, odd, at points bewildering and funny film then this is for you. I admit that the sexual content will be too much for the average viewer, not because it’s overly graphic, but because it lasts so long. In fact, “Shameless” probably could have cut down on the orgy scene content and it probably would have helped the flow of the film.

This film is probably best enjoyed with some liberal friends and a liberal amount of Uranus Milk. Or you could watch it stone cold sober like I did… but I feel I might not be indicative of the average person! Either way, it’s still better than “Prometheus”.